Attachment Styles and Disorders (part 2)

written by: Kosjenka Muk

Attachment styles and parenthood

All the attachment styles (and attachment disorders in some cases) described on the previous page are not only active in a relationship with a partner, but in other close relationships too, such as with one's own children. I wrote something in that line of thought in the article The Basic Fissure in a Personality.

A parent with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style can invade their child's identity and boundaries, and can thus trigger the development of the dismissive-avoidant style in the child. A dismissive-avoidant parent can result in the child developing the anxious-preoccupied attachment. It's also possible for a child to model a parent (often the same gender parent, but not always) and develop a similar attachment style as the parent.

In a milder version, an unhealthy parental attachment style only activates when the child is big enough to disobey parents and fight for their own autonomy, or when a parent decides the child doesn't really meet their expectations. This usually means that in the first year or two of the child's life at least, parents were responding to the child's needs so the child had a chance to experience safe emotional bonding. If there are problems among parents, it's important how old is the child when they start to manifest, too.

In a worse case, a child is exposed to neglect, ambivalence or even abuse by parents from very early days, probably including a turbulent relationship among parents. Such a child has much less chance to experience the feeling of safe bonding, so it can be expected they'll grow up perceiving their negative expectations of intimacy as normal, obvious and instinctive. (If there are other family members who step in providing consistent love, for example grandparents, these problems can be somewhat mitigated, but not all children have such sources of support.)

Can I change my attachment style?

Yes... if you truly acknowledge your problems, take responsibility and are willing to invest time and effort into the change. People who do so are usually among milder cases and have had some chance to develop some inner resources and alleviate disappointments, so they can look at their behavior more objectively and empathize with their partners.

People who avoid responsibility or who seek external, instant solutions are not likely to change their attachment style. They might try for a while, if an important relationship is threatened, but they usually quickly give up.

How?

• First, practice connecting to your own emotions. To be able to change your emotional reactions, you need to be able to recognize where they come from, what was the original cause, and separate your past from reality. That's something you cannot do if you have a habit of avoiding your own emotions. While learning to accept your feelings, you also learn to...

• be supportive of yourself. If you don't know how to support yourself through emotional pain and disappointment, you are much more likely to be afraid of those feelings and avoid the risk of experiencing them. Whenever we open up to another person, we risk being rejected and disappointed, but we also have a chance to experience love and acceptance. If you are not willing to risk the former, you are not likely to experience the latter. To be willing to take that risk, you need to trust yourself that you are able to deal with pain. To be able to do that, you also need to ...

• develop healthy self-esteem. This doesn't mean having to be something special; one of the best description of self-esteem came from a girl who said: "I'm totally fine with just being a human being among other humans, I have no need to set myself apart!" (This doesn't mean losing initiative and ambition, as some might misinterpret it, but finding your motivation in your own pleasure of doing something, rather than comparing yourself to others.) Self-esteem means that you perceive your mistakes and faults as learning opportunities and you look forward to doing better in the future, rather than seeing them as something that labels you forever.

• Learn to acknowledge your partner's perspective. (This is primarily meant for the avoidants' ears - or eyes, in this case; the anxious-preoccupied usually do a bit too much of this.) This means, try to perceive positive intentions in your partner's behavior (this does NOT include justifying abuse, of course), if you are usually prone to criticism and creating unpleasant stories in your mind.
  For example, if your partner doesn't respond to your phone calls for a while, consider what else might have prevented them besides "he/she doesn't care enough about me!" If your partner is criticizing you, perhaps they want to negotiate how to improve your relationship rather than suffocate and control you? If something about your partner's behavior is disappointing, it might not be because they are not "right" for you, but simply because people are different and nobody's perfect? In other words, try not to take things personally. Of course, within reasonable limits. However, if some unpleasant behavior is significant or repetitive, you'll need to...

• learn to set boundaries in constructive ways. A common reason why people isolate themselves from others, or are too judgmental of others, is being afraid of not being able (or not being allowed) to set boundaries and protect ourselves. Of course, once you start learning to set boundaries, some people might try to discourage you for various (usually selfish) reasons. Developing self-esteem and being supportive of yourself, as described above, can help you greatly when learning to deal with such people too. The more you feel you are able to set boundaries, the more you can relax around other people in general, because you save your defenses for when they are actually needed.

• Try to find a partner with the secure attachment style. Such people tend to be healthier and more balanced in a relationship, so they are less likely to trigger your fears and defenses. Besides, "secure" people can have more patience while you work towards changing your attachment problems (under condition that you really invest effort and take responsibility for your issues), and would be able to give you more space and time without feeling threatened.

• Practice complete (but responsible) honesty with your partner.. For example: "Right now I feel the need to be alone, it has nothing to do with you but it would help if I could spend some time by myself". Or, "I'm upset at the moment and I feel threatened, but this is probably related to my past experience, not you." If you can calmly and without accusations explain to your partner what is going on in your head, they are less likely to create their own (unpleasant) scenarios.

• Slowly get used to taking emotional risks. When you were learning to swim, you might have been afraid at first, you might have involuntarily drunk some water, but you learned to relax and enjoy it with time. When you started a new job, you probably felt uncomfortable and wondered what might go wrong, but you persisted because it was important to you. Whatever risk you took in life, you were likely somewhat afraid, but you decided it was worth the effort and you'd deal with whatever happens, one way or the other. Apply the same attitude to emotional intimacy.
  Perhaps you feel discomfort in your body or unpleasant images come to your mind? Acknowledge them, but do not give them power. Take a breath and dive in. Accept the idea that you don't and cannot control everything, but you can deal with possible problems as they appear. You'll probably learn to enjoy and have fun, just like playing in the waves. And if you'll need additional help, we are one email away.

back to part 1